NBA draft diary (In honor of Bill Simmons)
Forget the Super Bowl, NBA Finals, Stanley Cup, World Cup or even Madden Cup (greatest drinking game ever, I’ll explain later) the NBA draft is my favorite sporting event of the year.
2:45 pm. I’m getting antsy; I refuse to check my email because I’m afraid I have some assignment from the Daily News, but I’m not going anywhere for the next four hours, until Russ Granik pronounces… or mispronounces the last pick of the draft. This chair is about to feel the wrath of my ass.
Already I have two ongoing bets. 1. Adam Morrison will not be picked at No.3 by the Bobcats, but Rudy Gay will (can you see Michael Jordan taking a white guy? Me neither
2. Jordan Farmar will not slip to No.26, where the Lakers pick.
Easiest 10 bucks I’ve ever made, thanks to my buddy Buller.
3:00 I have to say I’m a little bit upset the Clippers don’t have a lottery pick. First I don’t get to watch a clearly confused Elgin Baylor who usually looks like someone just told him his car is being towed and second my buddy Champ, a Clipper season ticket holder and die hard Clippers fan isn’t here. I can’t watch the look on his face as the Clippers draft Chris Kaman. Just pure comedy any time the Clippers make a draft pick, at least it was for a long time.
3:55 pm Buller’s cousin just attempted to name the entire 2005 first round. He got stuck at Fran Vazquez at 11.
4:00 p.m. Bargnani looks nervous, here’s hoping he’s not the next Darko
Tyrus Thomas and Adam Morrison are both talking on their cell phones (a Willis McGahee moment)
JJ Redick is smiling, I think he’s wasted, hopefully he doesn’t drive
4:04: Morrison to Charlotte? No way, it can’t happen. Is Jordan changing his image?
4:05: Stephen A (aka the Pedestrian) is yelling, I’m not sure why, we’re just getting started
Jay Bilas just called this a deep draft. Does that mean it’s a terrible draft with no talent. Someone get me a translator.
4:08 Fran Frischilla, Dan Patrick? WTF. I want Barkley, Kenny Smith, Ernie, and Hubie Brown.
Hubie: “You’re the Toronto Raptors and you have the No.1 pick and ALSO you were terrible last season and you’re from Canada. Not a good decision.
4:10 Ric Bucher just said the Bobcats will select Adam Morrison. I’ve already lost one bet unless Bucher is wrong. Time to step up the gambling.
4:11 Rachel Nichols is the ugliest girl on ESPN although Shelly Smith gives her some competition
4:14 Dick Vitale: pumping up a college player. First time. “Thomas I love him, oh my God, this is unbelievable, its sensational, super duper, blah blah, why am I yelling” Vitale, shut up!
Who would win in a yelling contest between Vitale and Stephen A. This could get ugly.
4:15 Dan Dickau is traded. A huge surprise. I think Dickau will wind up on every team in the league before his career is over…twice. Good trade by Portland though. Addition by subtraction by getting rid of an overhyped point guard with no leadership ability and a bad attitude. Now begins the character transformation of the Blazers.
4:22 Are you surprised that Redick isn’t slurring his speech because I am.
4:23 Morrison looks like one of the Three Musketeers
Rudy Gay just brushed off forearms. Does that mean Jay-Z and the Nets are trading up, was that some kind of sign?
You, me and Dupree should be changed to You, me, and Darko. Isn’t it only a matter of time before Dark is out on the streets?
4:28 My buddy Hoosh just showed me a picture of Gary Oldman side by side with a pic of Bargnani. I think they’re twins.
Is Bill Walton’s cartoon character in the commercial high? Probably
4:37 With the first pick in the 2006 NBA draft, the Raptors select Andrea Bargnani. The Madison Square Garden crowd begins the “overrated” chant already. Bargnani’s suit doesn’t look like it fits him and the Raptors war room is cheering wildly.
4:40 “O I am from Europe,” Bargnani said, as Stu Scott points out that the crowd is booing him. This has to be scripted.
4:42 The Bulls just traded down for Viktor Khryapa and future considerations. Maybe future considerations mean they will eventually receive a good player. Or maybe just a year of free meals at Sullivan’s or Ruth’s Chris.
4:45 Bryan Colangelo just used the word minutia
4:52: Morrison/Scott part 2, Morrison is once again on the verge of crying. Cleenex needs to make a marketing move.
4:55 My buddy Levy just compared Tyrus Thomas to my 6’4 buddy Edan. That can’t be good for Thomas or the Bulls
Stephen A is straight hating on the Blazers. I love it.
5:01 The award for dumbest pick in the draft and the award for real smart to pass up Brandon Roy goes to the Atlanta Hawks.
Levy: “Who is the Hawks GM and why hasn’t he been fired?” I agree.
Shelden Williams may be decent but it feels like the Hawks absolutely refuse to take a point guard…ever.
Williams just won the award for biggest forehead in the NBA. Congratulations! You’re prize is in the green room.
Levy: “Is Redick taking a shot for every team that passes on him?”
5:04 Smartest pick of the draft by the T-Wolves. B- Roy will be the ROY this year, guaranteed.
5:12 Brandon Roy sounds like Channing Frye and Stu Scott keeps asking really deep questions
5:13 Rudy Gay’s watch looks like it’s worth more than my house
5:20 The questions from Scott continue. He’s trying really hard to make the prospects cry.
5:26 Vitale just mistakes Greg Anthony for Stephen A
5:30 Patrick O’Bryant apparently not only has great hands but “wonderful hands.” Terrific.
5:40 I enjoyed it way more when David Stern would come up and announce there has been a trade rather than Andy Katz or any of the ESPN reporters.
5:44 If Redick starts alongside Jameer Nelson, that’s a really small backcourt
5:54 Thanks Davis Stern for letting us know about a trade we found out about 3 hours ago
5:57 There’s been more trades in this draft than the amount of boyfriends Paris Hilton has had in the past year
5:59 Thabo Sefoloshu, another wing player going to Chicago, don’t they already have Luol Deng and Andres Nocioni
6:00 Welcome to Mormon country Ronnie Brewer, he doesn’t look very happy. But at least he has “freaky length” according to Bilas
Rai: “Brewer’s dad looks like on of the animals from the fifth element”
6:05 The Hornets have drafted Simmons and Hilton Armstrong, this reminds me of a few years ago when the Clippers drafted Chris Wilcox and Melvin Ely in the lottery. Horrendous.
6:10 If Hubie Brown was here: “You’re the 76ers and you want to move Allen Iverson to the 2 guard and you need a point guard really badly but then you draft a wing player who’s a poor man’s Andre Iguodala, and ALSO you have a general manager who doesn’t know what he’s doing.
6:30 I’m starting to yawn but Quincy Douby just got picked (Insert weed joke here)
6:32 The draft is lightened up with some drunk Knick fans wanting Marcus Williams to be their 4th guard with a bad attitude along with Starbury, Francis, and Jamal Crawford. At least Williams doesn’t chuck it up every time.
6:33 David Stern goes back into the war room, have the Knicks changed their mind?
Spike Lee motions to Stern to hurry up
6:35 Lee calls Renaldo Balkman a sleeper as the Knicks fans boo loudly. Isaiah Thomas is a genius. Bilas says he’s stunned repeatedly and calls Balkman a 2nd rounder. Meanwhile, Stephen A is “speechless” but then begins to yell again.
6:40 I’ve just received word that James White was on the phone at his agent’s office with Phil Jackson
Marcus Williams is regretting stealing those laptops. On the bright side, he’s losing some of that 14% body fat by sweating this out.
7:03 Lakers are on the clock, and I’m getting a little nervous. Of course, Kobe’s main boy Jim Gray is on the scene to tell us that Phil Jackson doesn’t like anyone in the draft
7:10 Buller predicted Farmar to the Lakers so I’ll give it to him, plus I lost both bets. But I’d pay 10 bucks for the Lakers to make a smart pick any day. Farmar is a perfect fit for the Lakers and their triangle offense because of his ability to shoot the ball (Bilas is an idiot) and his basketball IQ. A lot of guys don’t pick up the offense but Farmar will be able to contribute right away because he’ll find ways to be effective within the flow of the game. Plus he’s a local guy so he should feel right at home in the purple and gold. I’ve just received 10 different texts from people all pretty much saying the same thing. “Farmar staying in LA, that’s tight.”
7:25 Drunk Knick fans scream to fire Isaiah
The Knicks select Mardy Collins, a scoring guard. Don’t worry they don’t have any of those on their roster. Way to go Isaiah.
7:35 I never thought I’d see the day when the crowd would chant Russ Granik’s name.
7:40 Blazers GM being interviewed: Dan Patrick: “Do you have a philosophy and did you follow it?”
Blazers GM: Yea Dan, we wanted to get guys who can play offense and defense…and special teams
7:50 I thought I could make it all the way through the draft without yawning. I was wrong.
8:20 The first Israeli ever drafted Lior Eliyahu. Mazeltov.
8:38 Hassan Adams is drafted. Adams will combine with Richard Jefferson to form a high flying Arizona duo. If anyone can catch Jason Kidd’s passes it’s Adams. The Nets are unquestionably the most athletic team in the league.
I’m way too lazy and tired to talk about the rest of the draft, plus there were about 6 players drafted whose names I couldn’t even imagine pronouncing, including the Lakers pick Cheick Samb. Let’s hope he has tremendous upside potential, freakish athleticism, huge and wonderful hands, and super duper length.
Check back tomorrow for the winners and losers of the draft.