Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Sports Celebrity Rehab

I have a new favorite tv show: Celebrity Rehab

I have met Dr. Drew. His daughter used to figure skate with my sister and I met him at a dinner following one of their competitions in Cape Cod. It was actually the first time I pulled out my fake ID in my front of my parents. Dr. Drew inspired me. I'm sure if he had known, he would convinced my parents to put me in rehab too.

These days rehab is mostly for celebrities. The problem is, they're mostly B and C list celebrities you have to look up on wikipedia to figure out what show they're from. One of the chics on Celebrity rehab was on American Idol. Which means that she became a celebrity by being on a reality tv show and parlayed that success into another reality TV show. If I was a celebrity looking for work, I'd get on drugs on purpose because I'd know that I could always appear on Celebrity Rehab.

Anyways, I propose a sports Celebrity Rehab. That'd be more fun than watching Family Matters actress turned porn star turned drug user Jayme Foxworth.

How about this cast:

Vin Baker: Once kicked out of practice by then Boston Celtics coach Jim O'Brien for wreaking of alcohol, Baker also ballooned to 300 pounds thanks in part to drinking after bad losses.

Charles Barkley: Admitted that he's lost $10 million through gambling but says he doesn't have a gambling problem. Dr Drew would diagnose that as denial.

PacMan Jones: This would be an unusual case for Dr. Drew. PacMan's addictions include strip clubs and making it rain. Hopefully Celebrity Rehab will be conducive to his recovery.

Michael Vick: Bob Saget would say Marijuana is not a drug, but Vick couldn't even stop smoking when he knew he would be tested by the court. New Dr. Drew rule for this group: No pets.

Barry Bonds: Roid rage means the other rehabbers will have to watch out for Bonds. Also, Dr. Drew must be careful of Bonds' buddy Greg Anderson who might be sneaking the clear into the rehab center.

Roger Clemens: During group meetings, Clemens refuses to discuss problems, saying he "misremembers" why he's here, prompting Dr. Drew to have a one-on-one session. Clemens' wife, who admitted to using HGH, is a candidate for Sports Celebrity Rehab season 2.

Mercury Morris: Convicted of cocaine trafficking and spent time in prison, plus the man is super entertaining. Dr. Drew calls him by his real name, Eugene.

Honorable mention: Keon ("I never played a game sober") Clark

(10:54:33 AM):
u forgot my man
bigtmoney032 (10:54:37 AM): he runs the rehab center
bigtmoney032 (10:54:46 AM): he is their best customer
romoballa (10:54:49 AM): who
bigtmoney032 (10:54:56 AM): my main boy
bigtmoney032 (10:54:58 AM): ricky (williams)
bigtmoney032 (10:55:15 AM): dude he has his own room there

Why aren't more performance enhancing drug users as smart as Andy Pettitte?

The list of prominent steroid/hgh users who have apologized is fairly short. Jason Giambi and Andy Pettitte are for some reason the exception to the rule. Deny, deny, deny has gotten Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa, and Miguel Tejada treated like scumbags and criminals. Pleading the fifth earned Mark McGwire the right to be exiled.

Meanwhile, Giambi's sins have been all but forgotten. He's not booed, written about maliciously, or called a cheater anymore. Sometimes, he's even praised for being honest.

And the same thing will happen to Pettitte. One writer said he thinks Pettitte will get a standing ovation when he's first introduced this year.

It's human to err. Everyone makes mistakes. It's courageous to admit to them in front of millions of people. Those who do are admired because we wish all our favorite athletes were honest with us. We, sports fans, are a forgiving bunch, but mock our intelligence with your lies and you will forever be scorned.

Who needs journalism school?

Keyshawn Johnson hosted Rome is burning Monday. ESPN and Fox also had a press conference announcing you must play in the NFL or the NBA to host your own show and be a bumbling idiot.


Kyle said...

I've got one for your show: Mike Cameron. Admitted to playing drunk about half the time, and will start the season serving a 25-game suspension because of testing positive for amphetamines.

CaliBall said...

cape cod?

Justin Adler said...

Not having the Birdman Chris Anderson up there makes the whole list damn near worthless. Come on Roman.

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