Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Beer Rule

One of the longest, most unwinnable arguments you can have in sports centers around the basic question: What is a sport?
I have the simple yet still complex answer: The Beer Rule (You can consume no more than 2 beers while still being effective.)
If you can play effectively while drinking more than 2 beers, it is not a sport. It's a game.
Yes, ESPN has a lot of programming. No, just because it is on ESPN does not mean it's a sport.
Remember, the E in ESPN originally stood for entertainment (Note: officially ESPN no longer stands for anything and is not an acronym.)
The spelling bee, bowling, darts, golf, poker, and Stump the Schwab are not sports.

Let's examine some of the more controversial sports, especially for those of you who can hit a 9-iron after taking a beer bong.

Golf: John Daly. Need I say any more. Instead of preparing for a tournament he went to the casino the day before and then finished in the top 5 in the first round. One of the game's best players is cigarrette smoking alcoholic, who probably couldn't run the 100 meters in less than three minutes.

Beers consumable while still effective: 7
Result: Game

Baseball: The sport calls tubbies David Wells, Matt Stairs, and Cecil Fielder its own and acknowledges the bar hopping A.J. Pierzinskyi as a good player. But those guys are the exception. While some players who couldn't resist the buffett possess the ability to hit for power and others could throw a perfect game hung over (Wells), overall athleticism is important for most facets of the game (i.e. running, sliding, jumping to make a catch, fielding).

Beers consumable while still effective: 2
Result: Sport

Poker: Any game that requires absolutely no standing is automatically highly questionable. Drinking at the table is not only allowed but encouraged. Yes, it requires focus and in some cases hand to eye coordination, like when you've had too many beers and you have to keep your cards away from the other players. But taking a shit sometimes requires focus also, and that has yet to be televised.

Beers consumable while still effective: As many as possible before either losing your chips or passing out
Result: Game

Random Laker of the Day: Swen Nater


Anonymous said...

Better random Laker: Terry Teagle

-Laker Hater

Pimp Daddy E said...

bowling is a sport...i don't care what any of you say.